I am still here and kicking. I think I am going to journal mondays. I intend to write more for my own mental health. I feel like there is more fraying then before. I work full time and go to school now. There are a lot of stresses at the job and an expectation to do well. I need to maintain order as well as provide service. I need to make sure that customer needs are met as well as my people have the tools to do it. Being understaffed this is not an easy task to accomplish. I feel like I'm also fighting my own head sometimes. Its like I can only sit and reflect on all I do thats wrong. It all seems so pointless in the end. The anxiety is something that makes me feel like nothing can help. I wish I could see a point to all of this but I guess I just have to move on and keep going.

I feel restless today so as I often do I ask myself questions. I never have answers for many of my questions but I feel a need to ask them. Sometimes I wonder about the way I was raised. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and sometimes I wonder about things I was taught. Why does God hate Gay people if his other creation has the possibility for Homosexual intercourse? Why is long hair on a man shameful But one of the most famous men Sampson was famous for his long hair? If god hated beards why did Jesus have one? If killing is wrong why did Israel slaughter so many in Gods name int he bible? What makes the bible more true then any other prophesy that came true? Who gave man the right to say what should be in this book and what parts of the bible were not good for man? I also ask questions about myself. Why am I here? Why are some people not her and I made it this far? Is it wrong to hide from my family things I know they would hate me for? Is it wrong to appear what they want me to be to keep peace? What am I doing with my life? Has my 23 years been worth it while others were robbed of it? What does it mean to be a good person? Sometimes I sit and wonder about these things. Sometimes I feel lost. As if the questions I have define more then a thought process. Sometimes I feel as though the world is going mad, and the sane are becoming fewer by the day. Maybe the truth is that they ignore the questions that I ask. This brings me to another question. If you do not ask questions and try to see the truth, does that mean it will not effect you? Will your denial stop some unbearable truth from harming you? Sometimes I do not understand the questions that I ask. Sometimes the answers are only more questions. Maybe someday I will know. Someday I may understand. Until then I ask myself, Who am I really?